Zombies! (or how I learned to stop worrying and eat Twilight fiends for breakfast)

The crowd outside the latest Twilight premiere.

First, the pretty boys wussified our punk rock…

Then they came for our monsters…

And that is not cool, man.

I’m not down with the growing trend to recreate modern Vampires as ethical, empathetic beings. This new breed is rationalized as merely misunderstood, nay, reluctant immortals. Immortal beasts challenged by their instinctual vampiric desires and the conflict that residual human morality imposes upon them. They deny those natural bloodsucking urges and rather than indulging on human blood, they survive on animals or synthetic means alone.

Back up. I'm the mayor of this Ambercrombie, bitch.

This breed is less “harbinger of death” and more “sit in the park at sunset and poorly rip off Jack Johnson.”

These skittish vampires remind me of those folks whom refer to themselves as “pescetarian” (a vegetarian that gladly feasts on fish). That shit don’t fly, Bright Eyes.

We humans are predatory mammals designed to eat meat, just as Vampires are supernatural baddasses put on this earth to sadistically suck the blood of humans while surrounded by a pale, sexy harem of bloodsucking concubines. Stop arguing. It’s science.

It’s a delicate balance we sway with our make-believe monsters. We depend on them to absorb irrational anxiety derived from the real horror that exists in our world. Having an allegorical substitute for the chilling demons that exist among us, provides an avenue of release for those fears. A mythos designed to warn, strengthen and calm the nerves startled by the world at large.

Humanizing the boogeyman is destructive to that mythos.

Gitteratti vampires make as much sense as empathetic, non-aggressive werewolves. A Vampire’s seduction shouldn’t include Diesel jeans & promise rings.

These moral monsters shall be shuffled to a special concert of eternal damnation. (That link may be the scariest 3 minutes of video on film. Take note, Eli Roth)

Granted I’ve never actually seen a clip or read a snippet of the Twilight series, but since my younger sister worships it, I know it must suck.

But on the infected horizon, a moaning beacon of indestructible horror is swarming.

The Zombies are taking over…

Much like the oft-described Zombie apocalypse, this relentless storm has been gathering strength over a long period of time.

The Walking Dead is one of my most beloved comic book collections and the TV series invaded the screen on AMC last fall.

(In the AMC timeslot where Mad Men usually resides. The Zombie/Mad Men corollary is an interesting discussion, but one I’ll save for later)

Zombies are nothing more than re-animated rotting corpses that feed on live human flesh. They possess no moral compass confusing their purpose, no meaningful personal relationships to get in the way and have absolutely no chance of redemption.

Zombies are what they are. Murderous ghouls, hell bent on quenching a craving thirst for human flesh.

You can’t tempt them with high coloric fake flesh and there is no possibility of talking your way out of being devoured as they will never cease their obstinate pursuit of chowing down on your entrails.

They are totally beyond reproach and incorruptible and that’s why I love ‘em.

The canon of Zombiedom can’t be corrupted by girl cut jeans and MAC mascara, because Zombies are like Lil Jon, word.

So let’s celebrate the impending hoard that cares not for adventure or excitement, but only for mouth watering offal. (Of the human variety)

The Zombie!

(A variation of Don the Beachcomber’s classic)

Zombie!

• 1oz Mount Gay XO Rum
• 1oz Cruzan Light Rum
• 1oz Cruzan 151 Rum
• 1/2oz Hanschells Falernum
• 3/4oz Fresh Lime
• 1/2 oz Trader Tiki’s Don’s Mix Syrup
• Splash Grenadine
• 5 drops of Pernod
• Dash Angostura bitters

Combine all ingredients with 3/4 cup of ice and blend until smooth.